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Dr. Shah:
So I’m just going to jump right in here. Kelly, we’re just gonna talk about, um, all things beauty, but I’m going to give you a proper introduction. Uh, so, uh, Kelly Ableidinger is the funeral director at, uh, Calumet park cemetery. Um, and you just had to become a funeral director after losing your father in 2014. Uh, we’ll talk about that a little bit. Um, you earned your mortuary science degree in, uh, 2018 with honors, and you’re very passionate about not just your career, but how you you’re, what you do translates into helping patients handle their grief and really doing that. Um, you have a real, tremendous amount of empathy for everyone involved in this process. And I think that you, um, having lost your father has really helped you kind of understand the grieving process, which is not easy, uh, for others to really understand. Um, so, uh, thanks for joining. I know you’re busy, you’re actually working as well as I, so we’re just kinda jumping here talking about this. And I think the first thing, um, you know, people are going to ask is why did you become a funeral director? What, what made you, um, want to do that?
Kelly Ableidinger:
Um, what made me want to do this actually started when I lost my mom first, my mom passed away when I was 19. And when we went to her funeral, her wake the visitation, um, she did not look like herself at all. She was very bloated. Um, she looked like double the size of what she normally is, um, that had a lot to do with like the embalming process, whoever did it, didn’t do it correctly. And it also had to do with, they overfilled her face. Um, they thought that she was a heavier lady, I guess, in life. And they overfilled her face with feature builder. Um, and she, that picture of her will be in my mind forever. And it it’s an awful memory that I’m going to have that’s in my head for the rest of my life. So that’s when it started.
Kelly Ableidinger:
And then I went and my dad passed away about almost seven years ago and we went to his visitation and he looked amazing. He looked actually healthier in his casket than he did alive. And so that I was really intrigued by the process of how can one person looks so terrible. Then the other person looked amazing in a casket and the two just, I wanted to know more about it. So, uh, that’s when I got into the funeral industry and I became really intrigued by the whole process and it all starts from the beginning, from the embalming process all the way into, to the end of it, which is the last thing that’s usually done before someone’s in a casket is the future building and the makeup. Um, and that makes a huge difference in the whole process. So
Dr. Shah:
Let’s talk about that a little bit. Um, you know, I, I’m dealing with people who are awake and alive and all that stuff, uh, but a lot of people don’t realize that they care how they look when they’re dead, because, um, you know, you don’t want to have this memory of yourself being, um, you know, weathered and sick. You want to have the healthiest version of yourself. Um, what’s your feelings about that, but what are some of the things that clients tell you that, you know, people, you, you know yourself from experiencing this?
Kelly Ableidinger:
Yes. Um, so a lot of, yeah, a lot of times, most of the time, you know, when a family comes in and I’ve actually in the time that I’ve been a funeral director, I’ve not had anyone that wanted their loved ones, casket closed most of the time when I’m, I’m so passionate about this process of them looking so good. Um, after they pass away that I put my heart and soul into making sure that they look exactly like they looked in life. So it’s a huge deal when a family comes in, I’ve been in the funeral funeral industry and I’ve seen other funeral directors do work too, where the family will come in and be like that doesn’t look like him. Can you change? Can you change something? Can you, um, you know, make their lips look different if you, I mean, it’s passed to be precise or they will know right away. And it is a big deal. Um, a lot of people will also say that my mom was so vain and she didn’t want anyone to see her sick. So we want to have like a family visitation privately. So the public can’t see her looking six. I mean, a lot of people are very vain in life and they are also vain with their death as well. And so they request,
Dr. Shah:
Yeah. So, so I think that’s, that’s super interesting how you can, um, you know, that, that the whole psychology of how we look alive, how we looked at and how it impacts the loved ones, because they want to have this most, um, vibrant version of ourselves. Um, let’s kind of go feature by feature and kind of talk about that. So if I see someone alive and they’re looking older, the first thing I noticed is they’re losing volume. Uh, tell me how that affects when you see someone who’s recently deceased. Um, how does volume play a role in their, um, making them look, um, you know, more youthful and more attractive again?
Kelly Ableidinger:
Okay. So, um, when we pass away, the first thing that happens is decomposition starts to set in and, um, emaciation immunization means like, um, the fluids and our body that we typically have waters, which keep our face looking full, starts to diminish because, um, that’s just the process of dying. Um, you becoming macerated. So the first thing I see is here in the temples, uh, when, when this starts to sink in right away. So you’re, there’ll be an indention right here in the temple area. Also the lips dehydrate, they are completely dehydrated and they become almost like half the size that they typically are when we’re alive. Um, another place that dehydrates is in the cheek area and under the eyes, and then also the eye lids sink in. And it becomes, um, almost like you could see the eyeball form, uh, the formation of your eyeball. So those are the first things I look at. And when I actually have some stuff I brought with me, these are kind of, um, this is typically what I use. This is, um, it’s a larger than what we would get at at your facility. And our fairer builder comes in like bottles like this cause we use,
Dr. Shah:
So what is in that feature builder? Does it say what ingredients in there?
Kelly Ableidinger:
It doesn’t give the ingredients, but this is actually a regular feature builder. And then I also have this, which has formaldehyde in it and it helps prevent decomposition as well. So this one here, it says firming. That means that it actually has a formaldehyde in it and it will actually make the tissue hardened. It, it firms it up. Um, but it doesn’t have the, I looked for the ingredients and it doesn’t have it on here for this.
Dr. Shah:
W we’ll look that up and see what the question is. How many CCS do you put it? Because if someone comes into my office and they want to look younger, um, you know, I, for me, I get six CCS, which sounds like a lot, but that’s probably nothing compared to how many CCS you’re putting in them.
Kelly Ableidinger:
Usually I will, um, fill this entire, usually on a typical person. That’s been only passed away for like one to two days after they get embalmed. The, uh, they also start to lose more because after the embalming process, it dries up even more of your tissues. So, um, if I fill this up, I usually fill this up at least twice to fill out someone’s face S 40 CCS. Well, yes. So typically, um, I would use probably 20 CCS in the temple area because it dehydrates so much. And I would probably, I would probably use, um, about 10 CCS in the upper and lower each of the lips, um, because they actually open up, uh, your mouth actually opens as it dehydrates and there’s a gap. And to fill that in, you have to fill it back out with the tissue that was lost. So I usually have a lot, it’s a lot more.
Dr. Shah:
And then that’s almost analogous to fat transfer when we do, when I do fat transfer, I’m putting much higher volumes in someone’s face. And you’re looking at, you know, closer to, um, you know, 60 CC sometimes, sometimes it’s less 20, 60, 30 CCS, but sometimes 60 CCS ABCs of volumes. Um, and especially for, as we, you know, aging sets in for some of us we’ve lost so much volume. When you look at someone who’s older, who’s lost volume. Do you see death in their face or no.
Kelly Ableidinger:
Sometimes. Sometimes. Um, yeah, and like I said, um, I actually started getting filler in my temples at eight, you know, I’m, I’m 40, but, um, I started getting filler my temples, cause I noticed my temples already started to like sink in on the sides and you know, the older we get, you could see it even, you know, they’re 50, 60 seventies. How much the temples make a big difference in the youth, the youthful appearance, uh, for sure.
Dr. Shah:
Are you, are you seeing people who, um, have fillers in their face or implants in their face now when they pass away? You’re not seeing that quite yet. Not quite that generation. Is it like the next generation?
Kelly Ableidinger:
Um, it’s not as often now. I see, I would probably say out of 50 deaths, I see maybe one, one out of 50 deaths where the people have fillers implants or, um, some sort of, oh yeah.
Dr. Shah:
Do they need more than,
Kelly Ableidinger:
Um, the ones that I have been pretty good. So there, they haven’t been overfilled, but, uh, I, I honestly feel like within the next, um, 20 years or so we are going to start seeing some people who want, who are overfilled get, that’s going to be,
Dr. Shah:
Um, let’s talk about skin. So in, in my practice, if someone comes in with skin issues, uh, we’re going to work with lasers. We’re gonna work with peels to kind of, even out their skin tone. What happens to the skin when, when we die and how do you adjust that?
Kelly Ableidinger:
Um, w when we die, like I said, dehydration is huge. Um, after the embalming process takes place, um, I immediately put skin cream. It’s a really hydrating skin cream that we have for deceased bodies. Um, and that just, we basically cake it on the face, the lips, the eyes, and that stays on, um, overnight with a, uh, like plastic wrap around it, um, to keep in that moisture because it, uh, certainly if I don’t put the moisturizer on it, um, the FA the face will be completely dehydrated. Um, and it just makes the makeup process even, you know, way worse than it could be. So without that moisturizer in the face, it would be a disaster.
Dr. Shah:
That’s a similar battle with face, uh, you know, for us, us living folks too, right. Because it’s hydration, hydration is the key and getting all that, that hydration to standard versus, uh, dryness or desiccation. Um, what about hairs here are an issue, um, you know, when you’re dealing with patients or, uh, I guess, what do you call them? Patients, clients,
Kelly Ableidinger:
Um, this, this, when we’re dealing with the deceased, we just call them, um, they, um, hair actually changes right away as well, especially if hair has been processed, uh, with chemicals, um, it tends to fall out easily. Um, and also you have to be very gentle with it when combing it, because it can come out in like clumps, um, happens to the hair follicle and it kind of releases from the scalp. Um, so when families request that they want their family members hair colored or highlighted after they pass away, I have to let them know that it’s a very, uh, you know, um, how would I explain it? It’s a process that’s going to cause further damage if they want it done that the hair could fall out, like in large clumps. So, um, I recommend, um, other ways to cover up graze. I have hair sprays and dyes that I just brush on instead of actually, um, doing, uh, processing it with chemicals because it, it, it damages it terribly. And it’s scary when you’re pulling the brush through, because clumps come out very often, even in men. Wow.
Dr. Shah:
Um, if they have a scar on their face, um, let’s say a scar was one of the causes. Uh, I see a scar on their neck starting in this. Like, how do you cover that up?
Kelly Ableidinger:
That’s what I dealt with today. A gentleman was in a car accident has had hit the windshield and Paul’s laceration across his head here. Um, so I actually, when I embalmed him, um, I took, uh, usually we use, um, thread to sew up the patients. But this time I used a, uh, fishing line, clear fishing line, and I sewed it from the inside because he was autopsied. And when you’re autopsied, your skull is actually cut completely open, and this can flap all the way forward. And so actually sewed his incision from the inside of the skull to it’s like a, um, invisible suture. And then after that, I, you know, flip it back. Um, today I put wax on it. We, um, I use a certain wax it’s for face, for the face, uh, for wounds or for, um, filling in holes that could happen from a gunshot wound as well. Um, and I actually use the wax works well with, um, heat. Uh, so I actually put a blow dryer on it. Cause usually you’re supposed to use your hands, but I use my hands for nothing in this business because germs get gets cross-contaminated. So I have gloves on and I use a dry hairdryer to get the wax warm and it kind of, um, it’s easier to work with. So that’s how we would cover lacerations,
Dr. Shah:
Um, teeth. Is that a big issue of when people have that, do you have to handle that or is that to keep the mouth closed too? Um, yeah. Do people want to see their teeth that people say, just keep them off and with
Kelly Ableidinger:
Now, um, unless they have like buck teeth in life, then we have to kind of keep it the natural look of what they, how they would look in life is how we kind of want them to look in the casket. So if they had buck teeth, we would form it to where their teeth would show, but Mo most of the time, uh, actually all the time we close the mouth and I use a suture to close the mouth. Um, and I think a needle through the bottom inside part of your lit and it goes through the tissue and I actually lift the top part of your lip and go through the nose. Um, and it goes, and it crosses over and it comes back down. It’s hard to explain like through the podcast right now, but it’s actually what this suture with this and I tie it shut, so it stays closed.
Dr. Shah:
Wow. Um, and eyelids, do you have, um, do they want their eyelids closed? I presume, right.
Kelly Ableidinger:
Absolutely. Um, so the eyelids are also protected. They’re called ICAPS. So when a deceased comes in, that’s the first thing we do. We sanitize the face, we sand it, we open the eyes and sanitize the eyes and then a plastic cap goes over the eye, the eyeball, which helps keep the eyelid closed. Um, and then also it’s glued to that plastic ICAP.
Dr. Shah:
How long can someone, once you’ve prepared the body, how long will they look like that? Is this like an hour thing, a day thing, a week thing, um,
Kelly Ableidinger:
Bodies and bombed. Um, as long as it’s in a cooler place, um, it will, the body usually stays. We we’ve kept bodies up to a month and after they’re embalmed that they stay looking as good as possible. And of course the fillers and the feature builders, um, play a huge part. Whenever we keep them that long, we would probably have to put probably double the amount that we typically would if they were just here for a week. Usually, um, from the time we get the deceased until their funeral is typically, uh, seven to 10 days, they usually have a funeral service by then. Um, but if we have to keep them longer, if they stay,
Dr. Shah:
Do you think, um, when people are looking for a funeral home that they should look at like how they’re going to prepare the body more than just like the location or this or that, because it’s almost like choosing a plastic surgeon, like, you know, people will say, well, I don’t know if the location is as important as it is the, you know, the artists, the more you hear about, you know, preparing, um, dead bodies and how much artists is in there. I mean, you see it in preparing the scan, you’re preparing, you’re actually doing plastic surgery on them. Um, you know, with sutures, you’re actually, um, hydrating them. It’s almost like fillers you’re, um, uh, it is basically fillers, um, in all the artistry that’s involved and I I’ve seen some beautiful work that you’ve done, um, which, um, you know, you’ve showed me these transformations you’ve made are just, I mean, there’s nothing short of remarkable how you’ve transformed.
Dr. Shah:
Um, you know, someone who looks clearly dead almost like a, you know, we watched his army movie, but then when you want to be transformed them, you brought life back in their face. And in many times made them look almost if not the same, more beautiful than they are. So how does someone know? Because you know, when my dad passed away, um, you know, I think he was maybe two or three shades too. Light looked a little heavier in the face. How does someone know about this? Is this something that’s word of mouth? Or is this something that we just need to have more awareness about this?
Kelly Ableidinger:
Um, it’s probably more word of mouth just because, or even like, if you Google the name of the business, maybe, um, you know, people from the past have put, um, reviews online about the way they look, because that is a very important part of that’s like one of the main important, important parts of the funeral process. And, um, I wish there was more ways to know what to expect from the funeral home that people are going to choose. But right now in the industry, you can’t post picture, you know, you can’t post pictures of it or have any kind of proof, um, besides the word of mouth. And, um, it’s pretty sad that you just have to take that chance.
Dr. Shah:
Yeah, I think it’s because when you see the before and after, it’s just like in my industry, it’s, it’s great because if you see something we want to transform it, like, well, here’s your before, here’s your after? That’s amazing. I don’t know if, when clients come in, I, it’s probably very difficult. They’re dealing with such a grief stricken moment. And honestly, the, the funeral is for their, the client. Obviously the person who’s died is for their memory, but they’re the client. Um, it’s the family. And to get that proper closure for me, it was such an important part to help me, um, grieve properly to see, um, you know, the funerals of, um, not just my dad and my brother to see, um, their, their bodies presented. Um, and again, sometimes we remember these little things and say, why, you know, why is this? But it’s just, obviously you weren’t at the funeral director. Maybe I wish I wish you were, but that part of it is it’s. Um, um, I wish there was more awareness about it.
Kelly Ableidinger:
Yeah, I do too. Um, because that’s right. The funeral, the funeral service is for the living as much as it is for the person that passed away, because CLA seen someone in a casket and seeing them for the last time is there closure. And it’s also, um, them realizing that death did occur because some people have a hard time dealing with death and they kind of, um, uh, it’s a part of the grieving process. It’s denial that it happened. So like for them to see a deceased in the casket, that’s part of the grieving process. And if they have to struggle with, you know, if you come in and you’re just your family, the loved one doesn’t look like them. That’s very stressful for the family. And, uh, that’s something I had to go through as well. And it was a terrible part of my life.
Kelly Ableidinger:
I’ll never forget that. So I wit like it in this industry though, it’s kind of like picking a plastic surgeon or someone to do your Botox and your fillers. Um, you take a chance for the first time and your hope that they’re going to do a good job, but this isn’t like, you don’t get to go back for a second try. So, um, you know, doing research and reviews, and that’s how I found you by looking online and looking at all the reviews and how many people said great things about, about you all. And, uh, but I wish that we could put, put that, put more of that on online and talk more openly about it. A lot of people are uncomfortable even talking about death. So it’s,
Dr. Shah:
Yeah, I’m just kind of imagining the future, um, near the future of this. And, you know, if you could show even like two or three of the transformation, just so you start to be like, we looked at things 30 to 40 of them and I was just wowed because what I can do with, with things, or I can make someone, you know, I can turn someone back and help them, but what you’re able to do with it was just transformational beyond, um, um, you know, w which I thought was even possible. So, um, maybe in the future, it’ll be before and afters of, of dead ones. And again, I don’t know if that’s gonna work, because again, you haven’t gone through that. I’m not sure that would be, um, them wanting to see that, you know, I think it’s just, there’s, there’s so many different emotional elements.
Dr. Shah:
Um, but, um, yeah, but hopefully, um, you know, anyone listening to this will kind of know if they have someone that this has happened, that they choose an artist and the fact that you’re so passionate about what you do. Uh, and I think that you’re your own process of you having to deal with, uh, you know, both your mom and your dad, and, um, um, I think it really translates to your work. And yeah, I, I can say that from looking at it, you can see the artistry and you can see, um, you know, uh, the love and how you can, how you really care about the family you’re taking care of.
Kelly Ableidinger:
Thank you. Yes, that’s absolutely true. And, um, usually when you’re dealing with a funeral director, um, typically, um, the ones that actually have passion and care about families, not just in it for, you know, money reasons. Um, you can typically tell if someone really cares about your family when you’re in there in that arrangement room. Um, and if they really truly care, they will spend the time to make sure that everything’s done right. Uh, you know, preparing the family and preparing the deceased for the funeral. I have hope because I’ve seen some bad work in the industry. I’m like we all have in every industry. Uh, but they sometimes think that they’re good at what they do. Um, and they’re really not. So, I mean, it’s just, I guess it’s all a matter of opinion. I guess if, if there’s, you know, there’s a family that comes in, that’s never dealt with death before, they don’t really know what to expect.
Kelly Ableidinger:
Um, and, uh, in my, in my line of work, when I take a family into that chapel, if they are not 100% pleased, I always tell them, I, Mike, if you want anything changed, if you need me to fix anything, if anything doesn’t look right, just let me know. But I, and I’m not bragging because I’ve not ever had anyone tell me to change anything. They always say, oh my God, he looks so peaceful. He looks like he’s sleeping. He looks better than he was when he was alive. Um, and there are certain features, the feature builder that I use to even make a, I can have a person appears, not that they’re smiling, but they’re not have that sad look or frowny face on their, on their face whenever they’re laying there. But, um, there are certain techniques, techniques that I’ve learned, uh, that have truly helped. And one of them was Jimmy. He taught me a lot. He was my teacher, and he’s really good at, at these feature building, uh, uh, techniques that we use. So I learned from,
Dr. Shah:
Yeah, so Kelly, this is, this is just amazing. Thank you so much for, um, you know, showing how beauty, isn’t just something that, that we care about when we’re alive is something we care about when we’re dead. And it’s not just what we think about ourselves when we’re alive. It’s what we think about others in our family and our loved ones, or your potential other ones. That same thing when we’re dead, we have many of those same thought processes. Um, you know, for our loved ones have the same thought process and that the deceased they’re, they’re going to want those, uh, uh, our octet appearances to reflect how we really are. So thanks for joining us. Uh, if, if anywhere, our listeners want to find out more information or want to contact you, what’s the best way to do that.
Kelly Ableidinger:
Um, they can either call here or email me, usually emails, um, easier to get ahold of me that way. Um, do you want me to say my email on here, or do you want to try that? Um, my email is Kelly K E L L Y a at my Kelly. You met park, I’ll spell it out. M Y C a L U M E T P a R k.com. Um, and then the phone number here is (219) 940-3791. And I’d be happy to answer any questions that anyone has.
Dr. Shah:
Awesome. Well, hopefully I will not need your services anytime soon. And, uh, thanks so much for, um, which I think is fascinating, just talking about, um, all the things that happened when we die. Um, and hopefully we’ll have more open conversations about this. And, um, just like we pick our plastic syringes when we’re alive, hopefully we’ll pick our, um, you know, our funeral directors and our, you know, when, when we, when we’re dead.
Kelly Ableidinger:
Well, thank you for having me. It was really interesting. I wish I could talk more about it. There’s plenty, more subjects we could touch on and then another day, I’m sure.
Dr. Shah:
Awesome. Thanks.
